An Open Letter to My Gasping-For-Life iBook

To The iBook G4 Which It May (And, In Fact, Does) Concern: What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep fading to a black screen, as if taking a huge gasp of air, then cycle through a blue screen then black then blue before you come back to regular computer land? Why are you acting like you're about to die? Why are you doing this to me? Why?

Is it because your AppleCare ran out last week? Is that why? Is it because I'm planning on taking you on the road for a week? How come I verify your permissions (whatever the hell that means) and you are telling me everything is fine? How come I run some diagnostic tests and follow the advice on the Apple Support site and your condition appears to be getting worse?

What have I done to deserve this disrespect? I'm a writer, for the love of god. I need to write. I need YOU in order to properly carry out my metier! I can't stand it! I can't get through a blog post without you freaking the crap out on me!

Quit playing games with my heart, iBook G4. Tell it to me straight: are you dying or are you just bored? Is this some kind of sick joke you're playing just for kicks? I don't have time for your kicks. I tolerated the whole "Hey! I'm dead! Send me in!" game from five iPods before I broke down and bought a new one, but NOT YOU. You and I have been TIGHT for three years! I wrote a book on you! You never failed me, except that one time when you totally failed me but I'd backed up so it wasn't that bad. What am I supposed to do with you? I can't afford to have you fixed, you have no insurance anymore, you're a liability.

I loved you, now I can barely stand to look at you. Your little flash-and-fake-death game only draws attention to your unsightly scratched cover and the oil spots on your screen. Yeah, I said it. You look like hell. I'm just not that into you. I am just not that into this whole charade anymore and I don't know how I'm going to handle it but rest assured I will and this could very well be curtains for you, iBook G4, and for that I am truly sorry. You have pushed me to the edge. I have no choice. I can't take the insanity anymore.

Angrily, Melissa

PS WHY??!??!?!! PPS I love you. PPPS Longer Letter Later