Urgent Memos to Celebrities Whose Relevance to My Existence Is Tenuous But Still Crucial

It has come to my attention that certain VIPs have not been paying me the kind of mind to which I am clearly entitled, and I am here to set the record straight.

Confidential to Marc Jacobs:

I hear you've entered rehab. I wish you luck with that. Can we talk about your perfume? I've been wearing it for four years, ever since I smelled it on a lady at a wedding and decided it should be my signature scent. I'm afraid it's not strong enough. Unless I bathe in it, I can't smell it on myself an hour after I've put it on, and no one else can either. Actually, there is this one girl, a former co-worker of Julie's, who always shouts "WHO'S WEARING MARC JACOBS??" the two times I've met her, which makes me feel ordinary. The only times that people tell me I smell good are when I pour half a bottle in my unwashed hair, and when they say "You smell so good" I suspect, with good reason, that what they really mean is "If I were sitting next to you on a plane, I'd have my seat reassigned." Your "body creme" is a bit stronger, but it's awfully expensive, and it has glitter in it. I like the bling sometimes, but, come on, it's not for every day, as I'm sure you will agree. Also, let's be frank here, Mark. I've been flying the MJ flag for four years, and I still can't afford any of your clothes, unless I risk life and limb and descend into the trenches of the Barney's Warehouse Sale, where I will be forced to deck several girls who iron their hair to get within 20 feet of the one sample in my size. I suspect you're going to have some time for soul-searching in the weeks ahead. Thanks for taking the time to consider these pressing concerns, and also to send me one of those giant quilted leather bags that cost about $5000.

As ever, Melissa

Confidential to Ana Caban: Your Pilates for Abs DVD is waaaaay too hard. I will admit that, until two days ago, I hadn't done it in eight months, but back then, I was at least able to get through all the exercises. This time, even though I was following Tara, your silent sidekick who does the "easier" versions, I still found it depressingly challenging. What gives, Ana Caban? Do you have to be so smug about "The Teaser?" And what's up with "Rolling Like a Ball?" That's not an exercise--I'm so good at that, it's not even funny. I think you slip "Rolling Like a Ball' in as a "teaser" to make me think that we're having "fun" and then you move on to something no one could possibly do, like "The Combination." Also, even though I did only about 2/3 of the exercises, I'm still sore, and it's the "good kind of sore," like I just did an Ironman, so I've been feeling so proud of myself, so proud of my aching "core," that I have not done a lick of exercise since limping through your (too hard!) DVD. This is a cruel kind of deception. I refuse to admit that maybe I'm out of shape; I will not revert to Pilates for Beginners because that would be letting the terrorists win. I'd like to urge you to make a DVD called Pilates for People Who Used to Be OK at "Pilates for Abs" But Haven't Done It For Awhile But Are Still Awesome. Also, do you get a free trip to the shores of Hawaii to shoot those DVDs on the shores of the Pacific? That's a good gig you've got going there. I'd like to extend a one-time offer for me to demonstrate "Rolling Like a Ball" in your next video shoot. Think about it, but let me know soonest. Oh, and I don't have the leg stretchy straps OR a good Pilates mat, so if you could send me those from the Gaiam boutique, I'd be most obliged. Thanks, Ana.

As ever, Melissa

Confidential to People Who Title Things:

What is going on?

As ever, Melissa

Tour, TourMelissa Kirsch