Overnight Miracles: Suggestions and Plea for Help

I have recently been recommended two very fine, very affordable health and beauty aids that have turned me out like no others. Please forgive the Allure magazine content of this post and help me out.

My skin has been a total itchy blotchy mess. Attempts to fix it with every righteously labeled product I could find at Kiehl's were futile and maybe made it worse. (Tinted Ultra-Moisturizer: Not a good idea, Big K.) I was recommended these two drugstore-available products by friends. No one is secretly slipping me shopping bags full of swag. I am not on Lancome's secret sample list. YET. (Are you listening, Lancome?)

1. RoC Age Diminishing Moisturizing Night Cream Price: $12-$15 at Rite Aid, a drugstore that has four products on the shelf and this was one of them, so you shouldn't have a problem. If you have an Amazon Prime situation going on, I'm sure you can get like four for $1 or something.

2. Aveeno Overnight Itch Relief Cream Did I mention my skin is itchy? Did I mention that I have been known to have trouble falling asleep because it's so ridiculous? Anne sent me after this Aveeno stuff that is comforting because it's not even in the regular moisturizer section of the Duane Reade, but the serious medical ointment section, like by the cortisone. The package is a little small for the amount of moisturizing I like to do, but a little goes a long way. No more itching. I can still feel it moisturizing the next day. Price: $8.99 or was it $10.99? I think at Duane Reade or your local chain. Worth every penny.

Oh, here's a bonus tip: The only deodorant that works for me these days is (don't laugh) Adidas. Yes, Adidas makes deodorant. You don't want the ladies' version, you don't want the spray version (or so I'm told). You want the one that comes in a black or dark grey package that has like treads on the side of the package and is trying to look like the deodorant version of David Beckham. It works. It smells strongly of soap, which I don't have a problem with. It says it works for 48 hours, which is way too long to go without a shower if you're me, but it's kind of like an 18-hour bra, I guess. Who wears a bra for 18 hours straight? Has anyone every actually tried an 18-hour bra? What happens at 18:30? Anyway, Adidas deodorant. I stand buy it. It's getting hard to find (the Times Square Duane Reade seems to have dropped it from its planogram, which I find absurd). If you see it, buy a case. If it stops working, you can give it out to strangers on the bus.

Now is the time when you help me because I am desperado. I direct your attention to August 4, 2006 when I originally blogged about the terrible and indestructible Subterranean Homesick Zit:

I don’t get normal acne. I get these weird underground burrowing zits that never come to the surface in any reasonable zittish fashion but stay under the skin and form little planets, little meteorites that never really go away and always hurt. They are sometimes invisible to the naked eye or sometimes they make themselves known as large welts on my face. I never had zits as a teenager and only now in the twilight of my life do I find myself with a recurring situation that is only receptive to cortisone shots from the dermatologist.

1.5 years on, I still get these horrendous welts and I haven't found anything that cures them or even speeds them on their way. I'm talking deep down in there. These zits are burrowed deep in my musculoskeletal system. I am in search of something extreme I can do to them (can I inject myself with cortisone? I don't think that's legal), maybe some overnight unguent that I can apply and at least wake up with them lessened if not eradicated. People, help me. I've tried:

  • Ole Henriksen Roll-On Blemish Attack
  • Proactiv Refining Mask
  • Mario Badescu Drying Lotion (that pink stuff)

and countless others.

Hot compress? Done. Benzoyl peroxide? Tried it. Salicylic Acid? Nailed that one shut. Tea tree oil and its byproducts? Please. Help.